Cougars……And Me.

I promised a blog post on this recently, although, I didn’t know it would happen again…

Let’s start with the old story. (No Pun Intended)

Episode One:

About a year ago, I was out with some friends from work, celebrating one of their divorces, (trust me, it was a celebration) when we ended up at the Dixie Tavern in Portland. The Dixie Tavern is one of those places that serves beer out of the can, had a mechanical bull in the center of the place and a dance floor. Now, this was not our first stop of the evening, in fact, it wasn’t our second either, it was pretty late in the night. (Translated: We’d had a few).

We had all congregated on the balcony overlooking the main floor of the bar and had taken notice of two middle-aged women who were “holding court” over the crowd.  We would watch as men, some attractive, and some not, would attempt to come up to them, It was very obvious when they were being shot down. The one woman would, in dramatic fashion, turn on her bar stool and go back to talking to the other woman. This, in my beer-addled state, gave me a fantastic idea? Would I get shot down or Would I be accepted. When I pitched this idea to my friends, I got all the encouragement I needed… And down the stairs I went….

I slowly edged my way to the table the ladies were sitting at, and waited, and waited, until one of them acknowledged me. (It wasn’t really that long) I started talking to them really about nothing and then it happened, something that I had never thought about, nor planned a contingency for.. They grabbed me and drug me to the dance floor. As I was heading to the dance floor I looked up to the balcony and saw all of my friends and co-workers looking down upon me. As I was sandwiched between these two older women, I realized, I had no escape. As we danced on the floor, I felt a hand grab my arm. It was two of my co-workers who had come down to rescue me. The two women I was dancing with, gave both of my coworkers a very angry look, but didn’t stop them from dragging me away. It’s in moments like that, that you’re very thankful for your friends.

Episode Two:

The other night, I met some friends out at the Edgefield Manor in Troutdale. As I got off work a little early, I was out there plenty before everyone else in my group. So I was sitting out in one of their grounds bars, called the Little Red Shed, if you’ve been there…. When this woman came up to me and said hello. Not wanting to be unfriendly I started up a conversation. This woman, who was in a swimsuit and robe (Ala Ms. Robinson) with her (fake) gold jewelry, started to tell me about her life on the Jersey shore and that she was here for a wedding.

I realized very quickly that I was the lame gazelle, I was the one not traveling with the herd. I was all alone and I was being tracked by a cougar, yet again.

After about 20 minutes, she must have realized she was barking up the wrong tree and decided to find the rest of her party. I was very relieved. The old adage is true, if you play dead, it throws them off the scent.

Happy Fourth Everyone, I hope your hunting excursions bring you game.

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5 responses to “Cougars……And Me.

  1. Great post. Cougars scare the hell out of me. I’ve had a few not-so-choice encounters with the type and it really is strange…it always takes me about 15 or 20 minutes of conversation to realize that wow…I’m being hunted!

  2. You failed to mention that she came back after you later in the night, and wanted you to go in the bushes with her!! LOL!!

  3. I already twittered this, but it explains all the cougar talk last night at Ruby Council, which I forgot to ask about. A very good male friend of mine and I call them “scary blonde ladies.”

  4. Gee Nick, if you weren’t such man candy you wouldn’t be having this kind of problem. Okay, I was almost able to type that with a straight face.

  5. Pingback: Why Me? « Schnikisms

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