I was at home one recent Saturday night when all of a sudden I started feeling some punch-you-in-the-gut-and-beg-for-mercy type stomach pains. After about an hour of it, with no real relief in sight, I thought, maybe I should consider a trip to Urgent care/ER. Now, if you know me, I’ll put up with some serious amount of discomfort before I head to any doctor’s office but this was, as I put it to a friend in a tweet, a time when “I think I am having a baby, or an alien, or my body is rejecting itself.”
So in I went. To OHSU. To rot. To die. To sit there with the worst customer service…Ever. But that’s not what this post is about, oh no, this is a fun post. in my 5 hours at OHSU, I saw/heard quite a bit. So I’m going to share those here… Enjoy. 🙂
(OH: = Overheard)
11:25 PM – – In a word: Ew
11:29 PM – OH: (from a nurse.) “I need to triage myself. I got stuck with a needle.” Eep.
11:34 PM – Oh. Gross. This girl is going to hurl. If she does, I might.
11:35 PM – OH: “I am going to write hiaku about not throwing up.”
11:50 PM – OH: “At least I’m not talking about bananas, or banana scented farts.”
11:55 PM – I’ve been here before.
12:12 AM – OH: “Remember that thing on my back? It popped, I’ve never seen so much green pus in my life.”
12:21 AM – I have been here an hour, anyone want to take bets on how long I stay?
12:39 AM – And the people are trickling in. “Car accident.” is our new friend. #3
12:40 AM – We now have “puke girl +1.” – and “car accident +1.” And me.
12:52 AM – Ooh. The person before me is going in. Woohoo. Now.it’s: me, “car accident +1” and unknown dude.
1:08 AM – Bummer. “Car accident” is gone. Now me… and “talks to herself.” “Unknown ailment man.”
1:15 AM – I wonder why ERs take so long to get through when DRs offices get you through so fast?
1:27 AM – Ooh. Might be some excitement… “unknown guy” seems to be coming of his rocker. Eep.
1:46 AM – OH: “I wanted to kill myself so I took a bunch of heroin.”
1:48 AM – Wow. That’ll sure put a moment into perspective.
1:55 AM – Seriously debating just baggin it and going home.
2:04 AM – Interesting … I ask to leave and they find room for me.
2:50 AM – Whoa. They just wheeled someone in who was escorted by 3 security guards who looked unconscious.
2:54 AM – OH: EMT: “she had an empty half gallon and a full half gallon in her backpack.” PATIENT: “They promised not to dump it out!”
2:57 AM – OH: “I said ‘You Kids Get Off My Lawn!!!'”
3:03 AM – OH: “we moved her into 20 so we can bring in another drunk combative person in.”
3:04 AM – Wait. Am I subject to HIPAA?
3:11 AM – OH: “>what’s wrong with me again?” “<You got hit in the head, remember?"
4:08 AM – What a waste of a great Saturday evening.
4:12 AM – Doctors really need to get new tape for arms that have hair on them.
4:13 AM – If I have to wait any longer I am going to rip out this IV out myself.
And here it is 5:25 AM and I'm home. …And I can't go to sleep because I have some where to be in an hour an a half. So, might as well go for a run since they didn't seem to find anything wrong with me after they poked at my belly twice and walked away.
I've been in serious relationships who have done less and wasted more of my time.