The short answer? No. The long answer….
Well, sort of.
And maybe that’s ok.
The long answer is much more nuanced and detailed. No. I’m not alone, not really. One of the things I probably struggle with the most is being alone. I’m a person who is fueled by human interaction, social interaction, friendships, relationships, etc. In my life, the greatest ways I’ve grown is life is by the diverse set of people I’ve met.
Lately it seemed that many of those people I’ve drawn from and shared my strengths with have been standing just outside the edge of the frame, just outside of the spotlight. Yet it seems they’re just out of view, too. Will they return to my life? I do not know.
The most difficult moments of this time, and for most of my life, is that I have always felt at the edge of loneliness and being under this microscope or microclimate of life has only showed me that I feel it even more. Yet, I know that’s probably not the reality of life, but it is MY reality. And that’s the thing that I keep struggling with is no matter how comfortable or how strong I may be within myself, there’s still something missing.
“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.”― F. Scott Fitzgerald
Sure, maybe I keep searching for more in life, I have always been searching for “just the perfect fit” — and I’ve been blessed to feel many moments in my life where I have had happiness. Where I’ve had fleeting moments of not being alone. But, for most of my life, even in crowded rooms, where I have been most happy, I have sometimes felt at my most alone, too.
I iknow this sounds like a running complaint. Maybe it sounds like I’m whining. But that is not my intent. It’s not that I wish to push anyone away or make them feel poorly. It’s just that for many months I have been stuck in the worlds worst set of coincindences, or events, or who knows what. I’ve been on this path for so long that I am starting to question my own reality. I’m starting to question my own self worth. I’m starting to question my very own life.
I guess what is the most challenging is that I’m in a place in my life where I was once so confident, so strong, so settled, so free, and so emotionally ready for a real relationship, after working so hard to come back from some of my greatest failures in life, I took a decade of challenges, and made a decade of rebirth, only to realize that I wanted to be more in life, I wanted to see more in my life, I wanted to experience more in life.
…. and the journey I’ve been on, where i’m at today resembles that of the worlds largest rollercoaster on the worlds largest seafaring ship in the worlds largest storm.
Some days I’m in the eye. Some days i’m in the thick of the storm. But the reason I share it with you it that it’s my greatest work of fictional non-fiction or is it non-fictional fiction? Either way, I guess it will be one hell of a story, won’t it?